Taylor Young’s “missing you.”

there were days that were never the same again.
the days still aren’t the same.
I’ve had to be okay with them never being the same way again.
you know I hate change.
you know I love October.
it’s the month that birthed you.
it’s the one month where I can be myself.
you knew that.
it’s the month where I can immerse myself in the dark facade and it’s not weird.
it’s normal.
you knew I was never normal.
and you know that I never will be again.
October: the month that took you away from me.
I miss the way you would hide Bible verses for me in my birthday cards.
because you knew I was depressed.
I miss the way you would ask me the same questions every. single. day.
now I’d do anything to give you my answers.
I miss the way your scent gave me nauseating headaches.
that always happened at around 3:30 PM.
I miss the way you had apple cinnamon Pop Tarts in the pantry.
you knew that the Food Lion brand was the best in that flavor.
those and a glass a milk, that was my go-to snack at your house.
The Price is Right. Unsolved Mysteries.
that was my afternoon.
always with you.
I miss making you laugh.
I don’t remember how that sounds anymore.
and that scares me.
I miss running errancs with you.
back in the day?
I hated it.
but now?
I’d give anything to be back in your passenger seat.
I miss the way you’d hug me every time I left your house.
I know have the jacket you wore the most.
I miss the way you made me feel loved and seen.
you were the only person I truly got that from for nineteen years of my life.
I miss our inside jokes.
I don’t remember the punchlines.
but I do remember the fact that you lived the last seven years of your life with a new nickname because of one joke.
I miss being in your kitchen with you.
eating raw green peppers.
using that one particular pot for green beans.
you’re the only reason I make green bean casserole for the holidays now.
I miss you.
I say it constantly.
I think about you daily.
I miss you.
but me missing you, our whole family missing you.
it gets selfish, and I know that.
I can say that I miss you as much as I want.
but that doesn’t matter.
you’re with Jesus.
you’re not in any pain anymore.
and even though your passing was a random accident, God gave me peace about our last time together.
the intuition of leaving your house and knowing that I would never see you again.
the hilarity of accidentally moving your casket at the recieving of friends – knowing it was a reflection of our relationship.
having that last moment alone to tell you bye just one more time at your funeral.
the comfort of knowing that we’ll see each other some other time.
I might miss you a lot.
but I know you’re better off.
and if you’re better.
then that makes me feel better.
I love you, Maw-Maw.
my role model.
my inspiration.
my driving force.
my reason for writing my book.
my Jorge for seven years.
I love you.
and I miss you.
~ Taylor Young

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